Humorous Criminal Law

By Jason Weinstock on August 21, 2012

Yes, I’took a long weekend and am taking another.  That means little time for blogging and another guest post.  This one is by my favorite criminal attorney and law school alumnus, Mace Yampolsky.  It is hilarious.  Virginia

‘Pubic’ Enemy Caused Crash by Shaving Bikini Line While Driving 

    by Mace Yampolsky

Apparently she lacked razor-sharp focus

Megan (we’ll call her the smooth one) crashed her car in the Florida Keys while shaving her

bikini line in traffic. (Hasn’t she heard of Nair?)Megan is Florida’s first bikini-shaving-related traffic offender of the year.( How many have they had in previous years?)


According to the FHP’s report, Barnes was driving about 45 mph through Cudjoe Key when she decided to shave her bikini region while her ex-husband,(‘l call him the stupid Schmuck), steered from the passenger seat. The plan went awry when an SUV slowed in front of Barnes’s Thunderbird in order to make a turn .I guess her reaction time as slowed down because she was too busy grooming her hoohah to pay attention to the road.(Like that has never happened to you!)

The 37-year woman was allegedly too concerned with her trim-job to notice and slow down. Her Thunderbird slammed into the back of the SUV near Mile Marker 21. I’ve heard about putting your best foot forward, but this is ridiculous.

Check out this fantastic quote in from one of the state troopers who responded:

"She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit," Trooper Gary Dunick said. "If I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have believed it. About 10 years ago I stopped a guy in the exact same spot… who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, ‘Nothing will ever beat this.’ Well, this takes it."

The pubic-maintenance crash wasn’t her first brush with the law. In fact she had been convicted the day before the crash with DUI and driving with a suspended license. She faces a new felony hit-and-run charge and two misdemeanors

The day before the wreck, She was convicted of DUI with a prior and driving with a suspended license, She was ordered to impound her car, and her driver’s license was revoked for five years, after which time she must have a Breathalyzer ignition interlock device on any vehicle she drives, Dunne said. She also was sentenced to nine months’ probation.

Ms Slick and (Her ex husband, how pathetic is that!) Her shaving accomplice-The stupid schmuck(SS) , (he was steering the car when she was performing this extremely delicate personal grooming ritual, so that she could concentrate) were driving in her Thunderbird when they slammed into the back of a 2006 Chevrolet pickup which had slowed to about 5 mph to make a turn when the Thunderbird hit him, traveling about 45 mph, which was within the speed limit, Dunick said. ( She had fun fun fun until the po-lice took her T-bird awaaaaaaaay)

She allegedly drove another half-mile, then switched seats with SS, who allegedly claimed to be driving,"She jumps in the back seat and he moves over," Dunick said. "It was like the old comedy bit, ‘Who’s on first?’ "Burns on SS’s chest from the passenger-side airbag deploying belied their story, Dunick said. The airbag in the steering wheel did not deploy, he said. (that pesky evidence!)

Troopers charged Megan with driving with a revoked license, reckless driving, leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries and driving with no insurance .SS was not charged.( He should be charged with stupidity and sentenced to permanent revocation of his man card! He needs to get a life!) She faces a maximum of a year in jail if found guilty of violating her probation due to the wreck, Dunne said.

"My phone has been ringing off the hook all day, and I know there’s a funny side to this, but it’s also deadly serious. This is a scary road and a lot of bad wrecks are caused by dumb stuff like this," Dunick said. "It is unbelievable. I’m really starting to believe this stuff only happens in the Keys."

             It doesn’t. I had a client in a DUI case walk the line on her hands(she was a gymnast) and then kick out the window of the cop car. I also had a client’s wife that took off all of her clothes when the police stopped the car her husband was driving while she was a passenger. She was arguing vociferously when the cop told her to leave or be arrested. She did, naked as a jaybird. While walking home, another patrol car asked her what she was doing and drove her home. (After he put a plastic sheet over his seat where she sat.) Truth is stranger than fiction.

One shouldn’t worship false idols and they say that cleanliness is next to Godliness, but for God’s sake, do your depilatory work at home -not in a moving vehicle, especially not driving. No one should be in that much of a hurry!.

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